Unknown Armies Playtest - The Rose and the Nightingale

Lecomte du Nouy

 

1798. General Napoleon Bonaparte led the Armée d'Orient into Egypt against the Mamluks, a military aristocracy of former Ottoman slave-soldiers. In the Nile Delta, the French stormed the castle of a Mamluk Bey. Artillery smashed holes in the walls. Fusiliers stormed the battlements. The defenders surrendered or fled. The Bey and his wife stepped into his secret escape tunnel. The castle was hit by French artillery and the happy couple were immediately killed by a piece of falling masonry, leaving five Eunuchs in command of the harem and his palace.

• Agha the Gardener 
• Baybar the Physician
• Faisal the Librarian
• Hassan the Guard
• Malik the Bath Attendant
  

They debated what to do about the impending French assault on the harem. They were split between their desires to escape, protect the Bey's concubines,  loot the place, or do some combination of the three. The palace was surrounded and even if they could get out, they'd be penniless, friendless and without protection in a land being invaded by foreigners. They needed a plan.

 

Baybar went to remonstrate with the women and kids in the dining room while the rest of the gang went to their apartments to grab things they couldn't do without. Agha grabbed his poisons and his pistol, a little muzzleloader from Fez which he slipped into his robe. Faisal grabbed his life's work, a Turkish translation of the epics of Homer. Hassan slipped a short sword into his robe. Malik grabbed his gold, his opium (held for the ladies) and Baybar's bag of drugs (to give it to him later).

The Bey's surviving family waited anxiously in the dining room: His three concubines Dragana, Helena and Shouanette, his children Zahided and Daoud, and his concubines' slaves Kalenjin and Zulima. Baybar explained the situation. The Bey was dead, the French were closing in, everyone would be fine if they stuck together and let him do the talking. Helena immediately panicked, her 16 year old daughter Fatima was nowhere to be found. Baybar told her he'd take care of it. Dragana caught him on the way out and told him it was a bad idea to tell everyone the Bey was dead. If he was alive the Eunuchs could parlay with the French on his behalf, giving them some measure of status and authority. If not, the family was just a bunch of unattached women and gelded half-men, at the mercy of the rampaging Frogs. Baybar disagreed with her assessment, but asked her help in keeping the family calm while he made preparations.

Agha and Hassan continued stripping the place of useful items. They entered the Bey's apartments and pilfered additional pistols and daggers for self defense. Agha noticed scattered pipes and tobacco on the floor. She opened the humidor (the Bey never smoked but he loved the smell of the noxious weed) and found Fatima hiding inside. The 16 year old excitedly told the Eunuchs about the strange men out the window. Hassan looked out and spotted a group of French soldiers. Five fusiliers, a commanding officer and a scholar - one of Napoleon's savants. The rest of the defenses had fallen and the group was clearly planning to enter the harem. At first Agha thought to leave Fatima in her hiding place, but quickly realized the Bey's apartments would be looted by the soldiers. He sent her to hide in the Eunuchs' quarters, where the Franks would be less likely to search for valuables.
 

With his gold secured, Malik went to check the palace baths. The ancient granite floor of the cold pool was cracked open by the French bombardment, water spilling through the slab into an open space below. The slave Kalenjin, who Malik had always protected, followed him into the room. She demanded to come with him when he escaped. He told her to get candles so they could explore the strange opening, it might be a way out. Kalenjin went to the women's apartments to find a light source and ran into Baybar. He had a plan to invite the Franks to dinner and poison them when they sat to eat, but someone took his drugs from his quarters, so he was ransacking the women's apartments to find their stash of opium. He ignored her antics, allowing her to return with lighting and rope. She descended the hole with Malik.

 

With his papers secured, Faisal went to the library to grab his favorite books. He shoveled Ibn Wahshiyya, al-Maqrizi, Mantheo, Herodotus and Abd al-Latif al-Baghdadi into his bulging satchel for safekeeping. He looked out the window and spotted the same group Fatima pointed out earlier. The commander and the savant and the five soldiers. Faisal had heard that the Frankish Emperor had brought a party of super-scientists with him to Egypt to uncover the secrets of its lost civilizations. He recognized the scholar as a fellow man of learning, and raised a white flag of parlay out the window. The soldiers nearly shot him, but cooler heads prevailed. Faisal spoke French and the savant, Dr D'Hubert, spoke Arabic. They arranged to meet in the courtyard of the harem.

 

Antoine-Jean Gros

 

Agha and Baybar met in the dining room with the women. Agha told Helena her daughter was safe. Baybar told the women they'd need to show the Franks every hospitality in order to get out alive. He went around the table were the midday meal was already laid out, placing intoxicating doses of opium into specific dishes reserved for the guests. Helena ignored him, gazing out the window at the handsome French commander in the courtyard. The Eunuchs instantly recognized this as her "I am going to have an affair with this man" look.

Out in the courtyard, Hassan and Faisal met with the Frenchman. The commander, Commandant Pierre DeMontpierre, demanded to meet the Bey so they could discuss his impending marriage to his daughter. Dr D'Hubert ignored the aspiring monarchist and examined the mysterious red granite obelisk. The monument far predated the Mamluk palace, and each side had an image carved on it.

1. Man, naked, erect 
2. Man, chopped up by jackal-man
3. Woman, gathering pieces of man
4. Man, reassembled, missing penis

Faisal told the Doctor that according to the Greek and Roman histories of the Egyptian religion, this character was Osiris, dismembered by Set and reassembled by Isis. The savant nodded and asked if there were any other ancient monuments carved with the strange picture writing of the ancient Egyptians. Faisal led him to the baths. Hassan led the Commandant to the Bey's Apartments, knowing full well the Bey was dead but planning to continue the charade. Each Frenchman took half the soldiers with him.

Leon Jean Joseph Dubois

Malik and Kalenjin explored the room beneath the baths. The dribbling water was ankle deep on the stone floor. The candles illuminated a four meter tall sarcophagus, which held an enormous mummy. The corpse was wrapped in linen and desiccated. The only exposed part was the penis, blue-green and clearly still alive. Kalenjin looked for grave goods while Malik fussed over the grotesque magick item. Merely touching it caused it to detach from the dried flesh of the perineum. Not knowing what to do with the clearly potent but gruesome trophy, he slipped it into his voluminous robes. The sound of conversation above alerted them to the approach of Faisal and the Frenchmen. They extinguished their candles and hid in one of the wall alcoves.

 

Hassan took the Commandant to the Bey's Apartments. The soldiers began tossing the place, ostensibly to find the missing Mamluk but in reality stealing all the treasure the Eunuchs hadn't already taken. Hassan couldn't speak French but he could speak Russian, which allowed him to communicate with one of the Polish soldiers in the Commandant's detachment. The Pole wanted opium, and Hassan offered to find him some if he'd act as a go-between. Hassan explained that the Bey must have fled the castle. Helena came in from the dining room to seduce the French commander. The Commandant didn't speak any of her Greek or Balkan dialects, but she made her desires understood. He asked who she was, Hassan lied and told the commander she was the Bey's daughter. The Eunuchs were astute observers of men's desires and DeMontpierre clearly wanted a crown on his head. Marrying a Mamluk princess was a straight shot to claiming the Bey's titles. Delighted, the Commandant demanded a celebratory meal and went to the dining room, new fiance clinging to his arm. He didn't notice Roi slink off in search of the promised drugs, or the other French soldier who left.

 

Maurice Henri Orange

In the baths, Dr D'Hubert chattered excitedly with Faisal, happy to meet someone who shared his special interest in Egyptology. The giant hole in the floor of the baths was new to Faisal, and the Doctor commanded one of his soldiers to climb down and check out the pit below. The soldier didn't spot the Eunuch and slave hiding in the dark, he raised his lantern and reported the presence of a giant corpse with a hole where its genitals should be. No, not a vagina, a missing spot where the penis had fallen off, nowhere to be found. D'Hubert demanded that Faisal descend into the hole and climbed down after him. The savant quickly abandoned his excited scholar persona when he realized someone had taken the penis off Osiris' mummy. He demanded to know who had been in the chamber before. Faisal had no idea, but offered to search the room. He easily found Malik and Kalenjin, but didn't alert the French. Kalenjin almost panicked, she was borderline nonfunctional around men with functioning penises. Malik silently reassured her and she kept it together.

Malik emerged from the shadows and the Doctor immediately accused him of stealing the penis of Osiris. He told him to either give it up or the soldiers would shoot him. Malik used his top level Eunuch avatar powers to lie perfectly, telling the Frenchman he had no idea what he was talking about. The Frenchman emitted a litany of curses and racial slurs aimed at the dirty Mamluks and their filthy dickless servants. Malik clandestinely transferred the dick into Faisal's robes when the Frogs weren't looking, so that if he was searched it would turn up nothing. D'Hubert ordered the soldier above to haul him out of the hole, and the others followed him back up into the palace. The Doctor believed the cock of Osiris was full of extreme magic power. The Euncuhs had intrusive thoughts about putting it on in place of their missing genitals.

 

Meanwhile in the dining room. Baybar laid out the poisoned banquet for his French guests. Shouanette, who hated Baybar ever since he performed a humiliating examination on her in front of the whole family, spoke up and told the Commandant that the meal was poisoned. He didn't speak Georgian, or any of the Serbo Croatian languages she tried. She tried to communicate by hand signs that he shouldn't eat the food, but Baybar told the Commandant in French that she was merely hysterical. He remonstrated with Shouanette, reminding her that she was from the Caucasus and knew how to use a dagger. She may not have wanted to fuck up her easy life in the harem but it was time for her to remember the ways of her people and not let violent strangers take over her home and threaten her family. She came very close to stabbing Baybar, but sat down and didn't spoil his plan.

A scream from the Eunuchs' apartments spoiled his plan. Fatima, panicked, telling someone to get the hell out. Agha rushed out of the room. Helena was conflicted between rescuing her daughter and securing her own future. She stayed seated with the Commandant. D'Hubert, his goons, Malik and Faisal returned to the dining room. D'Hubert accused the household of stealing a magick item from the tomb of Osiris. Nobody was going in or out and if nobody confessed to the theft his soldiers would start shooting people. Faisal tried to talk him down, didn't he know how crazy he sounded? His soldiers and his commanding officer wouldn't obey a madman. The Doctor wasn't moved. He drew his smallsword and told the Eunuch his next words would be his last.

In the Eunuch's apartments, Agha came upon the French soldier Triboulet, who slipped away from his commander and was trying to rape the sixteen year old Fatima. Agha shot the Breton in the back of the neck, mortally wounding him, and told Fatima to come with him. At the sound of gunshots the Commandant sprang up and ran for the Eunuch's apartments, drawing his sabre. Agha fled toward the Women's apartments and ran into Roi, incensed at the lack of opium (which Baybar had taken) and drawn to the sound of gunshots. He shot Agha and Agha shot him with his second pistol. Neither wound was disabling and neither man backed down. They closed to fight with dagger and bayonet, Agha shouting at Fatima to flee.

Girodet-Trioson

 

In the dining room, Faisal and Malik ran for the door. D'Hubert ordered the soldiers to fire, a musket ball struck Malik in the back and knocked him down. Dragana and Shouanette sprang up and attacked the Frenchmen. As much as he wanted to side with the French against the Mamluks who cut off his genitals and enslaved him, Hassan couldn't just leave Shouanette to fight without him. He drew his lovingly restored Crusader short sword and joined the melee, slashing away at D'Hubert. Muskets expended, the French frantically fended off their attackers with bayonets and smallswords. Hassan dealt D'Hubert a savage blow and the Doctor fled the room, uninterested in being beheaded by a Eunuch. The French soldiers hesitated, then fled after him.

Escape plan spoiled by Malik taking a hit, Faisal yielded to his intrusive thoughts and attached the cock of Osiris to the stump where his own penis once was. The power of life and death surged through him. He placed a hand on Malik's back and healed his injuries with the power of the Underworld and the Nile. With everyone back on their feet, the Librarian concocted an escape plan. The Eunuchs and Concubines would walk calmly out of the harem and tell any Frenchmen who tried to stop them that they were carrying important papers and artifacts for Dr D'Hubert. Dragana and Shouanette agreed, scooping up children deposited under furniture when the fighting began. Helena declined. She would stay with the Commandant. Loaded down with stolen treasure and a gross but seriously powerful magick item, the Eunuchs shrugged and made their escape. Zulima and Kalenjin had already disappeared and would have to find their own way out.

Girodet-Trioson

Speaking of finding a way out, Agha was cornered in the hallway by a pair of French soldiers and their commanding officer. Fatima had escaped, now he had to escape himself. Outnumbered three to one and hampered by a nasty bullet wound, the Gardener pretended to pass out from the damage, toppling over and falling through a silk screen into the next room. He was gone before he hit the floor, Avatar powers granting him a Eunuch's natural talent for not being in the room when the boss wanted everyone executed.