Unknown Armies: A Bed of Roses Playtest One

The year was 1521. The place was Tenochtitlan, head of the Triple Alliance of the Aztec Empire. The island-city had just been conquered following a ninety day siege by a coalition of Spanish Conquistadors and their Nahua-speaking allies from neighboring city-states. Weakened by starvation and smallpox, the surviving Mexica were at the mercy of their conquerors’ insatiable lust for gold. 

 

William de Leftwich Dodge

 

In a Pochteca Guild Hall, four Aztecs were confined to a storeroom amid sacks of cocoa beans and bolts of cotton cloth - the majority of the Guild’s liquid wealth, which the Spaniards had no interest in.

• Consecrated to Father Death, Warrior and elderly Eagle Knight
  
• Jumping Spider, Merchant and luxury goods trader
  
• Pepper Knight, Capsaicinurge and mighty warrior prone to ignominious pratfalls
• Toppled Cactus, Fool and sideshow dwarf from the city's menagerie
  

Their hands were tied and they only had a moment to contemplate what they would do next, before a group of hairy men from the other side of the world hustled them out into the banquet hall.

 The beautiful feather coats and dyed fabrics which adorned the walls had been torn down by the Conquistadors in search of gold, the only treasure they had any interest in. The Spaniards who retained their metal armor this far into the campaign had stripped out of it in the choking heat. They wore fat-bladed arming swords or long rapiers in belts and baldricks. None carried firearms, keeping their matchlock long guns ready to fire would have been an unnecessary hassle.

 

In the center of the room, the Spaniards had kindled a fire, using the guild’s records, furniture, and art from the walls as fuel. A burly White man in a brightly colored surcoat and a slender Tlaxcaltec interpreter clad in a beautiful blue mantle and Spanish sword belt waited impatiently by the blaze.

 

The Spaniard pointed to Pepper Knight.

 

The Captain's Spanish goons (the translator was the only Red man in the room) hustled their first victim over to the fire pit. They tied his feet, sit him on the lip of the fire pit, and position his soles within searing distance of the blaze.

 

The Spaniard said something. The Tlaxcaltec asked Pepper Knight where the gold was hidden.

 

Leandro Izaguirre

 

Pepper Knight didn't know where the gold was. The translator asked again. His feet started to crispify. It hurt and he cried out, mostly to distract the Spaniards while the others worked. Toppled Cactus casually freed her hands and used a shard of chert to cut through the maguey ropes holding Father Death's wrists. Pepper Knight pretended to reach for his ankles with his bound hands - he was really in pain, but he was also reaching for the fistful of dried chilis hidden in his breechcloth.

Pepper Knight pressed the hot peppers to his genitals, and broke down the resulting Capsaicinurgy significant charge to cast a spell, sharing the burning pain with his captors. The Spaniards and their translator doubled over in pain as Father Death grabbed a broadsword from one of the men holding Pepper Knight captive and lashed out, beheading the Conquistador guarding the door. The unarmored men drew their swords and advanced on him. Their blades bounced off his skin as his top level Warrior powers no-sold their attacks, only a single cut got through. Toppled Cactus bent over to pick up a handful of corn from the floor and Pepper Knight pushed over one of the invaders over her, sending him toppling into the fire pit. The Tlaxcalan fled the scene before the Aztecs could target him too.

 

Jumping Spider ran out of the building and fell down the stairs of the guild hall into the Sacred Precinct outside, followed by Toppled Cactus. The swordsmen fencing Father Death realized their blades had no effect on him and tried to wrestle him into submission. He casually tripped one of them and sent him sprawling down the stairs after the others. 

 

Outside the Guild Hall, the city was a a reeking flat expanse of rubble, choked by billowing clouds of dust and droning clouds of flies. At the heart of the Sacred Precinct, a party of armored Spaniards erected a wooden cross at the summit of the sole remaining pyramid. Jumping Spider grabbed the sword dropped by the fallen Conquistador and stabbed him in the lung before he could call out to his fellows. Toppled Cactus went back inside to see if anything funny was happening.

 

 

Leo Hao

Inside, a pair of rodeleros went after Pepper Knight while the remainder worked on Father Death. The Capsaicinurge tried to leap over the fire and got third degree burns on his soles, sending him toppling to the floor but at least putting him out of reach of the Conquistadors. Father Death pushed through the combatants, ignoring their steel swords, and struck the Captain a grievous wound. His men closed ranks around him to force the Warrior back. Toppled Cactus shoved the guy Pepper Knight burned back into the fire, while Pepper Knight crawled around the floor looking for chilis. He retrieved a handful of chīlpoctli from one of the storerooms and rubbed one into his soles, casting a spicy spell to restore his ability to walk. He grit his teeth and rubbed another one into his eyes, sharing the pain with the remaining Spaniards. 

 

The Spanish Captain angrily shouted orders at his inept subordinates, but the blind men were unable to defend their leader from Consecrated to Father Death. The grizzled warrior struck him a mortal blow with his stolen broadsword. One of the men fled, and the remaining two were easily dispatched by Toppled Cactus - the dwarf rode on Pepper Knight's shoulders and knocked the treasure hunters' heads together.

 

Angus Mcbride

 

It was only a matter of time before reinforcements showed up. Father Death finished off the injured and disabled Spaniards, lamenting that he couldn't keep them alive as proper sustenance for Huitzilopochtl. Toppled Cactus found a cup of chocolate, freshly frothed like someone was preparing to guzzle it before the city fell. She shared it with Pepper Knight, who found it invigorating. Feeling vitalized and armed with weapons taken from the Conquistadors, the group went to look for Jumping Spider.

Jumping Spider was in trouble. He hid in the ruins of a building, hoping his white mantle would help him blend in with the clouds of billowing lime dust from the destroyed houses. It didn't hide him from a platoon of angry Tlaxcaltecas, led by a knight dressed in red feathers armed with a matchlock pistol. The gun wasn't loaded but the Tlaxcaltec, Strikes With His Elbows, waved it around like it was an object of totemic power. The warriors grabbed Jumping Spider and dragged him in front of their red-feathered leader. Jumping Spider told him he had gold hidden in his house and would gladly share it. Strikes With His Elbows said lead the way.

Adam Hook

Jumping Spider led his captors north to the market district in Tlatelolco, adjacent to the main island of Tenochtitlan. Following behind, Pepper Knight and Consecrated to Father Death removed their incredibly distinctive animal armor and pretended to be a work crew of slaves, dispatched by the Spaniards to clear the road of rubble and corpses. There were too many Tlaxcaltecas to take in a straight fight, even with their special powers, so they waited for an opportunity to strike.

Strikes With His Elbows monologued at Jumping Spider, delighted to have a captive audience for his tale of how he got the special pistol. He rescued the man they called Tonatiu, the red bearded Spaniard Pedro de Alvarad, from certain death on the battlefield. The conquistador rewarded him with a handgun taken from a slain cavalryman. The pistol was still unloaded, but the Tlaxcaltec still brandished it like it was charged.

 

Jumping Spider nodded along, and took a moment to barter with one of the Tlaxcaltec warriors guarding him. The man had some command of the Spanish language, but his hairline was in disarray, courtesy of an old macahuitl scar. Jumping Spider sold his own hair in exchange for the man's Spanish language skills, going bald but gaining the ability to communicate with the invaders.

Strikes With His Elbows' rambling tale was interrupted by the apparition of an armored Spaniard, mounted atop a horse in full barding. A morion helm and cuirass alone would be intolerably hot, but he wore a full suit of black armor, covering even his face, and appeared to suffer not at all from the heat. The Tlaxcaltecas fearfully gave him the road - this was de Cavason, the legendary Spaniard who could not die until he killed every Indio who stood in his way. And they still had need of Jumping Spider.

The black armored warrior couched his twelve foot lance and kicked his horse into a trot, then a gallop. He ignored the Tlaxcaltecas and made a beeline for the other three Aztecs as they worked their way down the main street after Jumping Spider. Consecrated to Father Death stood fast, stolen steel sword at the ready. The Fool Toppled Cactus casually picked up a road apple from the causeway and tossed it in the path of the charging lancer.

de Cavason's lance caught Father Death in the chest and lifted him off the ground. Then the horse slipped on the fistful of horseshit tossed in its path by the Fool. Father Death was flung through the air. The mounted man and his steed went careening into a canal and disappeared without even a splash. Father Death fell hard, but rose unharmed. It was not his tonalli to die in that particular encounter. 

Tlatelolco Market, the largest bazaar in Tenochtitlan, was mostly looted. There wasn't anything edible there anyway after ninety days of siege and starvation, and the Tlaxcaltecas took whatever was left when they took the city. Jumping Spider's house was rubble like most of the buildings in the city, but he knew where to dig to access the cache of treasure beneath the floor tiles. He made such slow going of the excavation (of a not-inconsiderable amount of rubble) that the Tlaxcaltecas were compelled by expedience to put down their weapons and help him shift the rubble.

It was Toppled Cactus' time to shine. She casually strolled into the group of laboring Indians, waited a beat, then took up a hue and cry: Ayoo, she had just seen a treacherous Mexica run off with the treasure. After him! She ran down the street, taking half the warriors with her. Fights With His Elbows shouted in frustration at the idiocy of his men.

 

Albert Bobbett

 

Toppled Cactus led half the warband on a merry chase down the wide street, her little legs carrying her much faster than was reasonable. Up ahead, a group of Red men and women dressed in a mix of Nahua and Spanish clothing milled around a tzompantl, a rack of skulls. They had removed the severed heads and were using it to hang people. Several dead men dangled from the top rack, and a black robed priest (who Toppled Cactus almost ran into) sprinkled baptismal water on a further victim. A scribe wearing spectacles of curved topaz stood ready with a quill and paper. Friar Corazon explained that he was writing a book about the Aztecs, so that when their world was destroyed and replaced with the worship of the True God it would not be forgotten and lost forever.

 

He asked the Dwarf for her name and for her life's story. The crowd of Indian converts yanked on the rope and hanged the Aztec, indicating what would happen when she finished.

Back at the destroyed house, Pepper Knight decided to really punish himself this time. He slashed open his hands and rubbed chili oil into the open wounds. He rubbed it in his eyes, in his nose and mouth. Then he cast a Capsaicinurgy spell and shared his agony with the warriors still digging for treasure in the ruined house. Jumping Spider used the opportunity to turn over a stone and open his treasure cache, retrieving a few quills of gold from the wreckage. Fights With His Elbows raised his pistol in the air and squeezed the trigger. The action went click and nothing happened, but the snot streaming down his face dried up. Jumping Spider thrust at him with the stolen Spanish sword. The pistoleer lashed out with an obsidian knife and gutted the Pochteca merchant, dropping him to the ground.

 

Consecrated to Father Death rushed into battle, leaping into the ruins of the destroyed house, ignoring the crowd of blinded warriors and laying into their leader with his Spanish broadsword. Fights With His Elbows raised his pistol, thumbed he hammer back and "shot" the old man in the chest. There was no muzzle flash or report, but the Warrior felt a bullet pierce his breast all the same. He fell to the ground.

Toppled Cactus told a lengthy tale of her life as a dwarf in the Revered Speaker's menagerie, digging into every mundane detail. Father Corazon listened intently - so intently that when she "forgot" where she was in the story, the Friar was able to pick up where she left off. She told him to take over for her and wandered off. He continued dictating to his scribe as the Fool made her escape. She strolled leisurely back to the destroyed house and hopped across the canal onto the foundation - just in time for it to begin sinking under her feet.

The foundation shifted under Fights With His Elbows' feet, throwing off his aim as he tried to finish off Jumping Spider. Pepper Knight needed more charges - he grit his teeth and pressed another fistful of chilis to his testicles.

Something went wrong. He felt the power flow into him with the pain, but it was a lot more than he anticipated. By repeatedly applying capsaicin directly to his genitals, he had inadvertently sterilized himself, and that sacrifice granted him a major charge. He spent a little of his newfound power to make Fights With His Elbows spontaneously combust. The Tlaxcaltec warrior's ears began to steam, then his mouth and forehead. Then his head exploded.

 

Pepper Knight and Toppled Cactus helped the wounded Merchant to his feet, and evacuated the ruined house before it sank beneath the surface of the lake.

 

Lying on the ground, Consecrated to Father Death's mind wandered. He had lived a good life and taken many captives, slain many enemies. He had died in battle protecting a friend. But was it enough? Would he go to the place where the sun set?

He felt a presence rush toward him, and knew that he would be fine.

The primeval monster Cipactli, who devoured the people of the First Sun and was slain by the Gods to create the world, lurched out of the water of Lake Tenochtitlan and devoured the corpse of the Eagle Knight Consecrated to Father Death. Jumping Spider lost his nerve and fled before it could eat him too. Pepper Knight goggled in wonder as the giant creature spoke to him telepathically. For ninety days it had feasted on corpses, growing larger and larger. It saw a bright light, a treat with a new smell. It asked Pepper Knight what it was. The Capsaicinurge spread his remaining chilis at the edge of the water. The giant salamander lurched forward and slurped them up. It fell back into the water on its back and writhed excitedly, churning the brackish water into murk. 

From one side, the knight de Cavason approached on his horse, unharmed by his dip in the river. On the other side, Friar Corazon approached with his party of armed converts. Cipactli offered to carry them away from the city. The Capsaicinurge and the Dwarf climbed onto his broad head and the salamander took off like a rocket, too fast and too low to the water for the Spanish canyons to track.

The Merchant Jumping Spider fled through the streets of the ruined city. He ran into a large party of armored Spaniards, carrying battle standards and crosses on poles. The man at the head of the party swore and demanded to know whose Indian just collided with him.

Unknown

 

The Pochteca offered him a quill of gold dust. The Spaniard accepted it, then told him to get more.