The Colonel's Table: Finale

 

On the eleventh day the Coterie launched its offensive against the Court. Ed Vespier was reeling from the events at the Bible Museum. Sebastian Gentry was dead, his agricultural agents uninterested in pursuing the feud further. The Cadre knew where the Court's next shipment of Special Orders would arrive. The Burger Queen's allies were in disarray and violating the treaty was worth it because they believed they could win.  

 

The FBI Agent's files showed that the truck carrying the charged burgers necessary for the Court to manufacture Special Orders would travel through town along the state highway to the East Wenatchee restaurant. The local cops were subverted by the Cadre through Arch and Rob, they'd allow it as long as the violence didn't escalate to a level they couldn't ignore. Cameron Wilson the labor organizer had already laid the foundations two nights prior for an anti ICE demonstration which would block the road at that time. Jazzy Boulevard the mad bomber made an IED and stuffed it in a backpack for the Cadre to use. 

 

Following the death of Deacon Moses the night before, Hank, Fonz and Pagan were assigned the mission. The refrigerated truck carrying the Court's Special Orders would stop in traffic and they would either secure the load of charged meat inside or deny it to the enemy. The Cadre hired Sauza the Bridge Troll to provide backup. They gave him two Special Orders out of their three for the night and he agreed to bring a brute squad of his most trusted hobos and fentanyl addicts. The rest of the Coterie would go after the Court operation in East Wenatchee. Keep Alice, Neal and the Lost Boys busy. 

 

The Cadre got to the site about 9PM. A stretch of highway in the middle of Wenatchee, with low rent businesses on either side. Unaffiliated fast food places, car dealerships, auto shops, tax prep and payday loans, a taqueria. They arrived before the protest was scheduled but it was too late. The crowd had already gathered and the Cataphracts shipping the burgers, anticipating the closure, had tried to beat the traffic and gotten stuck in a line of cars. The night misted with rain. A platoon of redcoats from the 33rd Regiment of Foote joined the crowd on the side of the protestors.

 

Devlin

The truck was a Cascadia Freightliner. On the cab was an image of the Queen of Hearts sticking a sword through her own breast above the name of the vehicle: SUICIDE QUEEN. In the cab were two silhouettes. The Cadre drew closer. The driver was the giant Nixon Rudiment, naked from the waist up and covered in cutting scars in a perfectly regular grid. The other was the knight Jason Schlarb, he wore a suit of plates and a Burger King mask. The tall one tracked Hank with a single eye, rolling in his oversized and hairless skull.

The day before the operation, Hank got a Gourmeturgy significant charge from catering that kid's Mongolian birthday party. He spent it to blast Nixon. The tall man leaned out of the window and vomited bile and blood. Then he got out of the truck. Fonz ran up and pointed his double barrel at the scarred giant, telling him to step away from the truck. Nixon told the ski masked kid to go home and walked among the stopped cars toward his assailant. Hank cast a spell on Nixon to make him look delicious, hoping the crowd would intercede on his behalf. He tried to run but fell over. The giant smiled blandly and reached down to help him up. He grabbed Hank and the mechanic felt something surge through Nixon's arm. It stopped before entering his body. Nixon grinned and asked how many more charges Hank had. 

The Redcoats arrived with their wooden training rifles. Major Ravinder Bhoja hefted his Persian club meaningfully and interceded on Hank's behalf. He was all for giving the Cadre ruffians a good thrashing, but several members of his organization told him they were alright. So he'd hold off for now, if they would stop trying to rob the Court's blasted semi. Hank looked at the arrayed musketeers and spotted the elderly one eyed vaquero among their ranks.

Fonz point his shotgun at Schlarb in the passenger seat and told him to get out. The armored man reached up above the sunshade and took down a two handed sword from the rifle rack. Fonz squeezed the trigger and shattered the window, spraying himself with safety glass from the riccochet. Schlarb opened the door and knocked the macrocephalic child soldier to the pavement. He kicked the shotgun away and looked around for threats. Pagan tried to open the trailer behind the truck to steal the Special Orders. The vehicle reversed into him of its own accord and knocked him down. Schlarb realized they were being robbed and ran around the back. Fonz tried to kick him in the balls and broke a toe on his codpiece, slowing the knight's movement not a bit.

 

 

Pagan climbed on top of the truck trailer. Schlarb asked if this was an after school program where kids tried to rob him. He climbed up after Pagan and the kid shot him with a concealed pistol. The bullet pinged off Schlarb's gorget, injuring and pissing him off but not slowing him down. Down below, Fonz got in the truck and tried to drive it. He managed to lurch forward and knock the two guys atop the trailer over before Schlarb could butcher Pagan. He tried to take his hand off the clutch and it grabbed him. The truck gurgled like it was alive, a horrible half-mechanical sound. 

 

Nixon realized the truck was being robbed and turned back to deal with the problem. The Redcoats followed him, subtly guided by the Gourmeturgy spell still attached to the enormous fleshsmith, but he outpaced them fast. Hank cast a spell to find out what Major Bhoja wanted out of the situation. The puffed up Indian redcoat was an ardent monarchist because he believed that democracy had led India into neverending religious conflict between Hindus and Muslims. Only a king like Akbar could make the faiths play nice. No help for Hank. Out of options, he ran after Nixon.

Fonz used his free hand to lock the door of the cab. Nixon whispered to the truck and it unlocked. Fonz reversed away but only got a few feet before hitting the car behind the truck. Hank scarfed the one Special Order not surrendered to Sauza and jumped onto Nixon's back in a chokehold. Nixon hit him with an Epideromancy blast, but his hand came away covered in peanut oil and Hank was unharmed. Atop the truck, Schlarb swung his sword. He hit Pagan and Pagan shot him in the foot. The Knight didn't wear his sabatons because they would stop him from using the truck pedals, the bullet took several toes off and knocked him over. 

 

Nixon shouldered Hank off him, reached into the truck cab and pulled out Fonz. The child soldier's arm came off and stayed attached to the clutch where the truck grabbed it. Not realizing he'd been maimed, the kid used his left hand to draw his little .380 and shoot the Fleshsmith in the head. Nixon coughed and spat the mushroomed bullet out. He tossed Fonz off the highway and into the undergrowth off the shoulder.

 

Sauza the Bridge Troll caught Fonz. He led his squad of hopheads to join the Redcoats, who caught up to Nixon and menaced him with the real bayonets at the end of their wooden training rifles. Their leader may have been allied with the Court but all they saw was Nixon casting harmful magick on a disabled child, which was grounds for an instant riot. Schlarb was down and Nixon was low on charges and blood. He went to the back of the truck, followed by the crowd (who were still afraid to come within arm's length) and spoke a prayer to the Queen before tearing his own head off. He held it for a moment like Rene of Chalon before falling to the ground in a pile of viscera.

 

Disconcerted, Major Bhoja sounded a tactical retreat and the 33rd Regiment of Foote withdrew. Sauza led his drug addicts forward to help the Cadre get the trailer of the truck open. The blood and ooze on the ground sloshed up Pagan's leg. The meat shoggoth terrified him and he fled into the parking lot of an adjacent business. Fonz found his pistol in the bushes, shouted angrily at Pagan and ran after him. The police showed up, drawn by the earlier gunshots. Sergeant Arch Brabrand, Wenatchee Valley PD, drew his service weapon and tried to shoot the blob monster. His line of fire was blocked by Deputy Robin Goodfellow Dogma, Chelan County Sheriffs Department, and Sauza the Troll, who both and pounced on the blob monster to tear it to shreds. By this point the car in front of the semi had pulled out into the oncoming lane and driven away in response to the shooting and monsters. Hank had his CDL, he hopped into the driver's seat and used the carlength of space in front of him to pull forward into the intersection and drive away.

 

 

Hank drove out of town, toward a defunct agricultural facility where they all agreed they'd meet up if they had to escape the area of operations. A woman appeared in the rear view mirror in the seat next to him. She looked like the Queen of Hearts from the side of the truck. She spoke to him using the text display on the electronic logging device. She told him he was a thief, stealing that which she was charged to protect. He told her he was saving the magick burgers from an unworthy cause. She told him that debates about right and wrong didn't interest her, she was only observing a fact. He convinced her not to jackknife herself and kill him by offering to treat her better than her previous owner. The truck countered that Nixon practiced a form of sex by direct nerve induction. Could he beat that? He told her he could. The display sparked. A different woman appeared in the rear view mirror, aura burning in the colors of the Burger King livery. Purple text flickered across the screen. WHY was the imperial condition so easy to subvert? WHY was one of her trucks allowing a hijacker to steal its contents? Then she disappeared.

 

Fonz caught up with Pagan. They knew that Hank escaped with the truck, but had no way to follow him out of town. Fonz called Moses' wife, Dr Olivia Washington. She was pissed off at her husband for his infidelity (and unaware he was dead), but she was a reliable helper of children who got stranded and needed a ride. She was annoyed at being pestered at night but showed up twenty minutes later to give them a ride home. It wasn't that simple, explained the troubled teens. They needed to go to a defunct apple packing plant outside of town. Hell no, said she. I am not enabling your teen delinquency. And what the fuck happened to your arm, Fonz?

 

Fonz convinced Dr Washington that he lost his arm in a prior incident. The wound left by Nixon's flesh magick corroborated the story, a smooth plane of scar tissue. Pagan convinced her that they had a valid reason to visit a parking lot outside of town in the middle of the night. She looked at the way they were dressed. She told them she was going to close her eyes and if they wanted to toss any guns they were carrying before they got in her car, she wouldn't see it. If they got into her car armed she would remove Fonz' other arm to match.

 

 

Hank parked at the packing plant. He continued arguing with the truck and was interrupted by the sound of footsteps from atop the trailer. He heard the door open in the back. He waited a moment and got out to investigate. There was a red glow coming from the trailer. Bloody footprints leading inside. He rounded the corner to look inside and was stunned by what he saw: an entire world, featureless and barren and tidally locked beneath a blood red sun. 

 

Dr Washington snapped him out of his stupor by pulling up with the kids. She wanted to stay and make sure they didn't get into trouble but Hank played the role of the trusted adult. He worked with her husband. These troubled teens were part of his school car repair program, they were here to do emergency maintenance on this stalled vehicle. The red light from the trailer was a sign of the vehicle's distress. He promised to take them home once he was finished.

 

With the good Doctor placated and departed from the premises, the Cadre weighed their options. They texted Nadia to request backup. She congratulated them on a successful operation and told them to handle it themselves. Secure the burgers or deny them to the enemy. She was busy distracting the Court. So they went into the red realm themselves to do just that. There was something off about the realm, which Hank detected immediately on entry. His magick didn't work there.

 

The footprints led across the hard baked red plain to a hacienda surrounded by potted cacti. There was a huge concrete block in the shape of a chair with a handcarved warning against removing it. The Cadre were convinced that the block was a Wario Land 4 style pillar holding the entire otherspace together, and made a note to detonate it when they left. The footprints went into the building, so they did too. In the parlour was a display of corpses. A mummy. A skeleton. A case of pinned butterflies. In a huge, broken jar at the end of the line was the burger Knight. His mask hung loose off his face where a big wooden spike impaled him under the chin. His bloody footprints led to a doorway and stopped.

 

The Cadre peered through the door into a two story library with no books. A racoon sat atop a big pile of slowly defrosting burgers. She held one in her little hands and ate it. They recognized her as the racoon brought into the restaurant by the lady in the leather jacket and Tom of Finland hat. She told them to leave, the burgers belonged to her. Hank freaked out and threw one of his handmade chicken sandwiches at the talking animal. Pagan and Fonz negotiated. They'd give her free chicken at their fast food store if she let them have the pile of frozen meat. Their product was never frozen and they covered it with spices (mostly black pepper and MSG). The familiar agreed to their terms, and warned them about the hand grenade on a tripwire beneath their feet.

 

 

In the red light of the second story windows, the silhouette of a figure on the balcony. A jacket and cap, like the one worn by the lady who Cameron and Fonz ejected from the restaurant for bringing her animal inside. By the time they found a way up to the second floor she was gone.

The Cadre used the hand grenade and the wire from the trap to detonate the backback bomb prepared by Jazzy. They put the bomb in the concrete chair and blew it up with the assumption that this would collapse the otherspace. They peered out of the window at the dust plume and observed a cadaverous figure staggering out of the rubble, shaking a piece of concrete loose from its foot. They decided to just smash up the burgers. They went back to the pile and the raccoon was gone. They stomped the frozen patties and got ground beef and listeria all over their shoes and trousers. The red lit realm made them nervous. There was a stiffness to their motions that didn't belong. A strange determinism. 

 

With the meat mashed and the Courtier dispatched by a booby trap before they even arrived, the Cadre headed for the exit. The door they came in through was sited on a concrete outbuilding away from the main structure. They approached and saw a skeletal figure dimly lit by the red sun. It stood in the doorway and reached up to close the shutter of the truck that was their way out. Pagan ran forward and tackled the mummy before it could trap them in the otherspace. It scrambled away like a spider with a severed leg and when he stood up it had fled into the unlit parking lot and disappeared from sight. The rest of the Cadre followed him and they closed the shutter of the truck trailer behind them.

 

The Cadre detached the trailer from the semi and got in the cab. They pulled out onto the highway and a car came down the road behind them. They saw the cherry red glow of the cigar clasped in the driver's metal teeth. Alice Alcazar, with lipstick on the collar of her dress shirt. In the driver's seat, Neal Zamorro with his cane stored against the door. Behind them the trio of Mormon lost boys. No longer distracted by Nadia and Mick and Orlock and Ozzy. Ready to pursue the Colonel's burger thieves and their stolen truck wherever they might flee with the Queen's property.