Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Unknown Armies Play Report: You're Not Alexander! Part 2


Pseudanor ran up the hill, quickly scaling the ruined foundation of the Citadel and vaulting the wall into the sacred precinct of the Temple of Athena. He ran around to the portico of the temple, and was about to shake Jocasta awake before he thought better of getting within arm's reach. He tossed a small pebble and she instinctively lashed out with a foot, before realizing where she was. Pseudanor explained that soldiers were coming up the hill, and one of them was among the four who attacked her last night.


Pseudanor was interrupted by the Priestess Tritogenia, second in command at the Temple. She told Pseudanor to get the hell out, then told Jocasta that the place had better be spotless because the Hipparch of Hellespontine Phrygia was on his way to the temple. Jocasta got up to make sure the sanctuary was clean, but was interrupted by a shout from the High Priestess' hut. The old lady Atrytone needed help getting ready to receive a visitor, and her demands trumped those of the younger Tritogenia. Atrytone's mind was still sharp, but her failing body necessitated Jocasta's assistance as a mobility aid. Atrytone needed Jocasta's help dressing quickly, but refused to be carried out to meet the Macedonians, using a staff to support herself.

The Hipparch, clad in a robe and cape and wearing a flat cap over his mostly gray hair, entered the precinct with eight of his elite soldiers.

The Hipparch of Hellespontine Phrygia, Promachos, introduced himself to the High Priestess. The High Priestess asked him what the hell armed men were doing in the precinct. Promachos duly sent the shield bearers to wait outside the wall. He asked to talk inside the temple proper and Atrytone told him absolutely not. He asked to talk privately and Atrytone brought Jocasta with her, ignoring Promachos' entreaties to get rid of her. So the Hipparch told her what he had to say: the Great King Alexander was dying in Babylon. He was dying because when he ended the sacrifices of the Locrians, he took something owed to the Goddess Athena. The only way to save the Great King was to kill the Locrian Jocasta.

Pseudanor watched the discussion from the roof of one of the houses, where he hid after Tritogeneia tried to get rid of him. India came up to the temple to see what was happening, and saw Tritogeneia talking with one of the soldiers, who were standing guard outside the wall of the precinct. She got close enough to overhear the topic of discussion - Tritogeneia was telling them all about the secret passage into the temple, which Jocasta would use if she tried to leave. India knew that the priestess, some kind of Macedonian noble who joined the clergy to escape assassination, disliked Jocasta and would have sold her long ago if it was up to her. India waited for the discussion to conclude before approaching the soldiers. They tried to keep her out, but she showed them the snakebite she acquired last night, which needed healing from the professionals of the temple. (India had treated it herself last night, with antivenom made from the blood of her sheep Oeobazus). 

One of the soldiers from last night recognized India. He apologized for assaulting her, he had no wish to start a fight with the clergy of Dionysus. He didn't have any interest in killing the followers of Athena either, but that was a sin Promachos was ready to commit to save Alexander. Like Agamemnon sacrificing his own daughter to pacify Artemis after killing the sacred deer, the Hipparch would take whatever punishment fate dictated for his crimes. India wasn't convinced. But the soldiers agreed to stop the Persian fire mage Cicafarnah from burning her house down. That guy didn't believe in any of the Greek Gods, and you couldn't trust a man like that.


Atrytone cursed a blue streak at Promachos. Killing Jocasta to save Alexander wasn't an act of piety, it was appalling selfishness. You couldn't give the Goddess what she already owned. Promachos weathered the abuse until it was clear that he wasn't getting anywhere, and turned to leave. Atrytone hobbled after him, then demanded the talking conch from Jocasta - a shell she used to amplify her failing voice. She continued bellowing curses through the ersatz megaphone as Promachos descended the hill, leaving a handful of soldiers to guard the temple. As Promachos departed, Jocasta noticed he had concealed a weapon beneath his cloak: a bronze ax.

He wasn't just a grizzled veteran of the Great King's campaigns. He was one of the Anatolian peasants who tried to kill Jocasta when she arrived at Troy all those years ago.

The soldiers let India into the temple precinct. Pseudanor came out of hiding. Between the two of them, they were able to break Jocasta out of her state of shock. With the soldiers guarding the place, Jocasta was effectively trapped in the temple. And there was a real threat of Cicafarnah burning the place down to chase her out, where she could be caught and murdered. Whatever the group decided to do in order to deal with the problem, they had only limited time before the soldiers found the hidden exit to the secret tunnel in the Trojan countryside. The trio entered the inner sanctum of the temple, Jocasta lifted up the flagstone and they entered the tunnel.


The old Trojan passage let out a mile outside the city, on a hill in some goatherd's field. The countryside was full of peasants who raised goats, sheep and various crops. The Temple of Athena ministered to them as well as the tourists, presiding over various coming of age rituals for the children. Jocasta was regularly asked to entertain and tell stories to the children of people who tried to kill her when she was brought to Troy as a child. But, the people of the Trojan countryside also brought animals to sacrifice at the temple, which fed the priestesses, and donated textiles and handicrafts that let them keep the place open.

The group returned to Troy. India went into town ahead of everyone and picked up some clothes to disguise Jocasta. They covered her shaved head with a shawl, and replaced her slit-sided peplos with an Eastern style gown. They needed a plan to get rid of Promachos, since he was the driving force behind the effort to sacrifice Jocasta. They decided to confer with Kancharmon before committing to anything.

During the day, Kancharmon worked with the Korybantes, a troupe of actors who made a living staging mock battles and other scenes from the Epic Cycle, a series of poems chronicling the Trojan War and related events. When the trio arrived, Kancharmon was playing fan favorite character Achilles. The demigod was desperately fending off an attack from Paris, played by archer and handicraft-seller Attidoros in a secondhand chariot, pulled by the Korybantes' only horse. Attidoros skillfully planted several arrows in Kancharmon's shield, before "fatally" shooting him in the heel and bringing the scene to a close. Everyone clapped and cheered, Kancharmon unsubtly advertised that he'd be at the bar after sundown if anyone wanted a "private show", and the group flagged him down for a discussion of what to do next.

Kancharmon confirmed that Promachos was staying at the Fawn's Heart. The soldiers had taken over the second floor and there were at least four guarding him at any time. The actor wanted to help, but didn't think he could take the Macedonians in combat. He helped with Jocasta's disguise, applying details like a fake mole to her broken nose. The group weighed asking him to seduce and assassinate Promachos, but decided that would bring too much heat on him. They could poison him with one of India's drugs, but that would put Garshasp in the hot seat. India could turn into a giant snake using magick and eat Promachos, or create an illusion that would convince him to fuck off, but both approaches risked backfiring if the Macedonians fought back.

The team settled on staging an apparition, using India's drugs rather than magick to make Promachos more susceptible to the hallucination. Kancharmon told them this sounded good, then ran off to don armor for his next performance: the Sword Dancers of Cybele, singing and rattling their weapons to prevent the Titan Kronos from hearing the cries of the infant Zeus. Zeus was, of course, played by Gastron, the twenty year old man with the malformed physique of a three year old child. He shouted lewd invective at India as she left to investigate the situation at the tavern.


There were a couple soldiers standing guard on the roof of the Fawn's Heart, and nobody throwing pottery. The first floor bar was mostly deserted, except for the courtesan Phye chatting up a Boetoian cattle merchant. Nobody knew anything about Phye, other than she made a lot of money off rich tourists and Garshasp seemed afraid of her - even though she was supposed to be his slave. Phye was actually banned from the Temple of Athena after she asked if she could do the Ajax/Cassandra scenario in the inner sanctum with a wealthy client. India ignored her and listened for Promachos' shouted conversations upstairs. Like a snake, she was able to detect his fear: That the Gods did not approve of his actions, and he was actually a monster rather than a killer for a righteous cause. Which meant a theophany might convince him to cease and desist his attempts to kill Jocasta.

Pseudanor decided to steal Alexander's armor from the Temple of Athena, to dress Jocasta up more convincingly. He tried to enter the back way, but a pair of Macedonian spearmen stood guard over the spot where the masonry was all crumbled - probably sent there by Tritogenia. He went back home and grabbed a snake from India's pit, allowing it to bite him since he was immune to poison anyway. He came back and threw it from a place of concealment at the Macedonians. They had already seen a couple guys go down to snakebite and were not eager to join them. Pseudanor scrambled up the wall and into the sacred precinct before they got their act together.

Rather than go through the front door of the temple itself, Pseudanor climbed up on the roof, intending to enter through the slats for the smoke from burnt offerings. He heard a conversation from inside and settled down to listen. Tritogeneia and Atrytone were arguing over Jocasta. Atrytone refused to give her up, uninterested in the political realities of playing nice with the Macedonian. Tritogeneia called her the selfish one, who merely didn't want to teach another slave how to pick her up, do her hair, etc. The temple's political situation was precarious. If they refused Promachos' request and the Great King died, how was that going to look for them? Atrytone said once she was dead, Tritogeneia was free to do what she liked as High Priestess, but until then Jocasta belonged to her. Pseudanor heard the door slam shut.

He peered into the temple through the roof slats. Tritogeneia was prostrate on the floor in front of the stone, lost in silent devotion to the Goddess. The armor was mounted on the wall, over the door. All Pseudanor had to do was climb the underside of the roof and grab the breastplate, then climb back out.

Pseudanor fell off the ceiling and landed on Tritogeneia. The Priestess freaked out and began babbling apologies, convinced the image of the Goddess had fallen on top of her. Pseudanor was worried he had crippled the priestess, and immediately apologized himself, explaining that actually he was trying to steal the armor of Alexander the Great. Tritogenia was enraged, but lacked the combat training to deal serious damage before he escaped her flying fists. Pseudanor ran out of the precinct without the armor, before Tritogeneia could connect the attempted theft to the vice-regent's plan to kill Jocasta.

The gang was disheartened by the result, but decided they didn't need Alexander's armor for the plan. Kancharmon had a muscle cuirass that would do the job, although it obviously wasn't the one the Great King wore. The theophany was supposed to be Athena, not Alexander, so it wasn't a big deal. The plan was, India would arrange with Garshasp to serve the Macedonians wine laced with kykeon. The drug would make them susceptible to visions, and when it was in full effect Jocasta would show up dressed as Athena, call Promachos out of the hotel and tell him to abandon his plan.

The bar was packed, Garshasp was hard at work on several dishes of Achaemenid chicken. India managed to get a moment alone with him in the backroom, where he kept the spare birds, meat and wine. They had known each other for years and she was able to trade on their friendship to get him to point out which amphora he was going to serve to the Macedonians. Garshasp looked the other way while India tipped a big portion of opium, snake venom and honey into the wine, then cleverly resealed the vessel.


India ordered a chicken and waited. After half an hour, a pair of Macedonian soldiers came down to the bar and poured the drugged wine into a krater for dilution and serving. They took it upstairs along with food for Promachos and the rest of the soldiers.

Twenty minutes later, Jocasta-as-Athena shouted for Promachos to come out and face her. He came out onto the roof and found the Goddess staring up at him. He told her that everything he had ever done was for her, and if that wasn't enough he was sorry. She told him that the Gods had granted Alexander an appointed time on earth, and now they were taking him back. Killing a slave owned by the Goddess wouldn't do anything to change that. Promachos needed to turn around and leave.

Promachos apologized, and said there must have been a misunderstanding. He stepped forward, fell off the roof onto his own sword and died.

Like a hero out of the Trojan War, Jocasta-As-Athena stripped his body of its weapons, removing from under the robe the bronze axe that had nearly taken her head.

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